I’m not going to lie. It hurts. This is so hard. I feel at times we can never just get a break. I want to cry, but I am so overwhelmed with so many things, I can’t bring myself to tears. It would just feel so good to cry out too.
Instead, I just deal with it. Day at a time. Somedays, the littlest things become too much and I just sit on the couch. Not lifting a finger. I let the kids eat junk and watch movies all day. I let them make a mess in the living room and leave their toys sitting around. I don’t care. Because it seems so trivial in the moment. In all the clutter and mess that is my life.
This week has been the breaking point. We are missing out on an amazing chance to go to Sweden with my husband’s entire family. There are many unfortunate reasons, but the easiest one to explain would be due to our adoption not having been finalized yet. It’s just another thing we are tempted to be bitter about. It has brought about a deep sadness for me. A sadness for my husband being the only sibling to miss out on meeting family and experiencing his rich heritage with his parents and kin. A sadness for my children not being included in something this special with their cousins. We are also trying desperately to get things figured out for the holidays so we can at least spend it with my family, which is proving impossible. It’s just one road block after another. I want to just be done!
Even now, I just want to sob! I don’t know if it’s God telling me to suck it up. That he won’t let me have this pity party I so DESPERATELY want to have! I am so often that crazy woman in the car, talking to myself (but really Jesus) asking….why, why, why, why, why, WHY?!
For my husband and I, nothing has come easy. Nothing has been easy for a long time. There’s always something going on in our lives. Hurtful things. And when we think we’ve finally come on top, something else comes along. And after all my asking why’s, I can only come to this conclusion: because someone else out there has it much worse. Someone out there is going through something they would trade me for any day. And it’s so hard for me to imagine how good my life is compared to that someone else. I feel ashamed for all my whining and feeling sorry for myself.
I am learning to accept it. ALL of it. Not what I wish it was. This is our life. And it isn’t all bad. If I would just stop focusing on all the loud, banging, clanging, crashing, smashing, ripping, roaring sounds of my crazy life. Because there is a very still voice, saying again and again ‘I’ve got this”.
And suddenly I hear these sweet words from a sweet song:
“You’re not alone, for I am here. Let me wipe away your every fear. My love I’ve never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night. And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life. All of your life.”
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