A Worthy Journey

A Worthy Journey

Adoption

I’m not going to lie. It hurts. This is so hard. I feel at times we can never just get a break. I want to cry, but I am so overwhelmed with so many things, I can’t bring myself to tears. It would just feel so good to cry out too. 

Instead, I just deal with it. Day at a time. Somedays, the littlest things become too much and I just sit on the couch. Not lifting a finger. I let the kids eat junk and watch movies all day. I let them make a mess in the living room and leave their toys sitting around. I don’t care. Because it seems so trivial in the moment. In all the clutter and mess that is my life. 

This week has been the breaking point. We are missing out on an amazing chance to go to Sweden with my husband’s entire family. There are many unfortunate reasons, but the easiest one to explain would be due to our adoption not having been finalized yet. It’s just another thing we are tempted to be bitter about. It has brought about a deep sadness for me. A sadness for my husband being the only sibling to miss out on meeting family and experiencing his rich heritage with his parents and kin. A sadness for my children not being included in something this special with their cousins. We are also trying desperately to get things figured out for the holidays so we can at least spend it with my family, which is proving impossible. It’s just one road block after another. I want to just be done! 

Even now, I just want to sob! I don’t know if it’s God telling me to suck it up. That he won’t let me have this pity party I so DESPERATELY want to have! I am so often that crazy woman in the car, talking to myself (but really Jesus) asking….why, why, why, why, why, WHY?! 

For my husband and I, nothing has come easy. Nothing has been easy for a long time. There’s always something going on in our lives. Hurtful things. And when we think we’ve finally come on top, something else comes along. And after all my asking why’s, I can only come to this conclusion: because someone else out there has it much worse. Someone out there is going through something they would trade me for any day. And it’s so hard for me to imagine how good my life is compared to that someone else. I feel ashamed for all my whining and feeling sorry for myself. 

I am learning to accept it. ALL of it. Not what I wish it was. This is our life. And it isn’t all bad. If I would just stop focusing on all the loud, banging, clanging, crashing, smashing, ripping, roaring sounds of my crazy life. Because there is a very still voice, saying again and again ‘I’ve got this”. 

And suddenly I hear these sweet words from a sweet song:

“You’re not alone, for I am here. Let me wipe away your every fear. My love I’ve never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night. And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life. All of your life.”  

XOXO, Lidy

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  • Oh Lidy, I’m so sorry to read of all your troubles. When the odds are stacked against you it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and cry out ‘why!’, you need only look at Job. I’m grateful daily that through His grace we are sustained and weather these storms, clinging to hope and His promises.

    Life is tough, sometimes tougher than others, we are all allowed to grieve, we’re human, but in the same breath we find our strength in knowing we seek his will, not our wants. Many times they’ll align, but often they won’t.

    The sacrifices you’re making now pale in comparison to how you have, and are daily changing the lives of your babies. You’ve given them all a home, a chance at a new life, being loved and expressing love within the blessing of a family.

    You wield a marvelous power, one I just know you’ll continue to pour out in love on those little ones, EVERYDAY!

    As they grow they’ll enrich your lives in ways you can’t even imagine. You’re in a season, it will pass, you’ll move onto the next, which will present its own challenges, and will be even better equipped to deal with them.

    You are loved, deeply.

    • HelloLidy

      Oh, where to begin. Thank you. Thank you for such great words of encouragement. For reminding me of what is most important.

      I often think that the reason things feel so hard is because my wants are not lining up with his will. And you are so right. When I surrender my plans, my hardships seem to disappear and his perfect peace settles over me.

      I do often reflect on Job, and I find myself thanking God that my life isn’t as hard. And it amazes me, that through all that loss and sadness, Job never wavered or walked away from his faith.

      I know that through these trials, God is still sovereign and good. And I know I need to stop asking “why me” and started saying “I will”. I will do whatever it is he asks of me.

      XO

  • Jamie

    Oh Lidy, I know it’s so hard. To miss out in such an amazing adventure. For that I am sorry. I hope you can work out the details to be with your family for Christmas. But if not, know that Christmas will be so special for your littles. And then throw the biggest GOTCHA party ever imagined! Praying things work out for you!
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your sweet little family!
    XOXO,
    Jamie

    • HelloLidy

      Thank you Jamie. I know that it’s all going to work out. Just because it’s not what I had in mind, doesn’t mean it won’t be special. And you are so right, Christmas will be a special time for us as a family. No matter what. I am definitely going to be throwing the BIGGEST gotcha party when this is all over!

      Hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving as well!

      XOXO

  • seriously Lidy this was so perfect to what i needed to hear. yes crazy life is crashing, smashing, roaring, but i need to listen to that very still voice that gently says, ‘ive got this’ ohhh i love this so so much!

    • HelloLidy

      I am so happy you feel encouraged :) It’s so hard to be still in those moments of insanity – today was one of those days! But it is so beautiful when the world shuts out for even just a minute and you get a little bit of peace in your life again.

      XOXO

  • Akadesigndotca

    Meredith Andrews! That song makes we weep.

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