A Worthy Journey

I’m not going to lie. It hurts. This is so hard. I feel at times we can never just get a break. I want to cry, but I am so overwhelmed with so many things, I can’t bring myself to tears. It would just feel so good to cry out too.  Instead, I just deal with it. Day at a time. Somedays, the littlest things become too much and I just sit on the couch. Not lifting a finger. I let the kids eat junk and watch movies all day. I let them make a mess in the living room and leave their toys sitting around. I don’t care. Because it seems so trivial in the moment. In all the clutter and mess that is my life.  This week has been the breaking point. We are missing out on an amazing chance to go to Sweden with my husband’s entire family. There are many unfortunate reasons, but the easiest one to explain would be due to our adoption not having been finalized yet. It’s just another thing we are tempted to be bitter about. It has brought about a deep sadness for me. A sadness for my husband being the only sibling to miss out on meeting family and experiencing his rich heritage with his parents and kin. A sadness for my children not being included in something this special with their cousins. We are also trying desperately to get things figured out for the holidays so we can at least spend it with my family, which is proving impossible. It’s just one road block after another. I want...

Road Trip To Canada

I can’t explain how excited I am! Months ago, my husband and I requested that we take our three foster babies (soon to be ours) to Canada. I have to be honest, I thought the judge would say “NO”, but I was pleasantly surprised when my social worker said that he granted our request! What?!?!!?! After much figuring out, we finally got everything organized and started our long journey from California to Alberta, Canada.  Let’s just say, it started out HORRIBLY. I might have wrecked our car in a minor accident a few days before we had to leave. We got it all fixed up – so we thought. Turned out, there was more damage than originally told. We had to stop in Nevada for a three hour layover while our car tire and rim were replaced. It was a bit annoying, but we eventually got back on the road again! We finally got out of Nevada and made our way to Arizona when our tire pressure light flicked on. We pulled over, filled it with air and knew there was some sort of problem. Sure enough, 30 miles later it popped back on. Sadly, we pulled over again and made our way to a tire repair shop where we discovered there was a nail in our tire and had slowly been leaking. We got it patched up and we were FINALLY good to go! Not. Fun.  From that moment on it was smooth sailing! Our kids did AMAZING that entire time! We are SO blessed to have such great little travelers. We enjoyed the scenery as I announced...

Approaching The End

It’s almost been a year since we first were introduced to the two most amazing babies. I will never forget the fear we felt when we first brought them into our home. There were a lot of tears. A lot of questions. A lot of uncertainties. A lot of doubt. But we knew our faith was being stretched. Up to this point, we had experienced a lot of battles. In our marriage, family relationships, individually. But this was nothing in comparison.  We were taking a huge step in a direction we never imagined possible.  Since that day, there have been many challenges and many rewards. It’s been a roller coaster of events in and out of court, things I don’t want to even try to explain. Your head would probably explode! I know this, because mine almost did. Things don’t make sense. Still don’t make sense, actually. Then all of a sudden, something shifts and you are in awe. We always just trusted that we were doing what we felt was right. Following a call greater than our own. So we took it day at a time, letting things happen as they should. Trying our best not to let unbelief win over our hearts and minds. And then it happened. Clear as day, I heard the words “Parental Rights Terminated”. Terminated. The end.  No one told me how emotional it was going to be. And not just because this meant our two oldest babies were months away from being ours FOREVER, but that a mother had forever lost her own. A part of her. No matter her mistakes or...

The Light

Well my friends, it’s been a while. Life has been so crazy in the adoption department. We’ve had a few court hearings the last couple months, some I didn’t feel much like talking about. If I am to be honest. Then, this month something crazy happened.  I let go.  I decided whatever was meant to be would be. It felt impossible to get there, but I did. And then something miraculous happened! After almost a year in the adoption process with our two oldest, the parents rights were terminated and we were officially moving forward.  Moving forward. What does that even look like? What does that feel like? It feels like a weight had been lifted! I allowed myself to feel again. There is still that little twang of fear of the unknown. Especially since our little baby (brother to our oldest two) is so early in the process. He could very well (high probability) be going back to his birth mom. But I look at how far we’ve come and I know that everything will work out. It did for our first two, it will for our sweet baby boy.  And IF we lose him. IF we have to let him go, we have loved him hard! We enjoy every second having him in our arms. Hearing his laughter from the other room. Watching his face light up and that grin grow as we speak to him. He is such a blessing. They all are! But we hold on to hope. We stand strong in faith. We love unconditionally. Even when we are still unsure.  For now, they...

Art For A Cause

I am always on the look out for art to put up on our walls. Over the years it changes, like the seasons. I tend to change my mind a lot, which can be a bit of a problem at times. Things can easily become boring, so I’m always changing my walls around! Plus, I am taking down the old and looking for something new and fresh. I recently came across an amazing organization called Sevenly. Have you heard of them? Maybe I’m the last one to come across this amazing company, but at least I found them, right? What I absolutely loved about them, besides all their amazing products, are their unique stance as a group and team.  Every week, Sevenly works for a cause. Meaning, for those seven days, anything you purchase, $7 will go towards that weekly cause. Make sense? It’s pretty amazing, which is why if you see a cause you are passionate about you have to go for it! It won’t be there for long. Which is why when I saw the cause for adoption, I jumped on it right away!  A few weeks ago, for any product(s) you bought, you would put $7 toward helping a baby increase his/her chances of being adopted in China. How? Most of these babies suffer from a birth defect and often end up dying before they are five years of age. Heart breaking! My donation helped bring these orphans one step closer to finding a forever home!  We can’t save the world in one day, but we can do what we can, when we can. Adoption is...

Reaching Down Deep

Today is one of those days you don’t feel like talking. Or going through the motions of day to day things. This week has been a tough one. So many little surprises popping up and then right at the end, an explosion. If my life were a movie, it would be a pretty fantastic scene. But it’s not a movie. It’s my life. And I am left tired and a little angry. I’m angry that I can’t do anything to help my children. I’m angry that I have no voice or power that can snap and make this adoption happen sooner. I’m angry that I have no control if I lose one or all of my babies. It’s scary. It’s terrifying to think of these kids just ending up somewhere where there are no guarantees of a hopeful future.  I’m feeling tired of people. People who seem to only think of themselves. People who only add to the problem and not trying to problem solve. And not like life is hard enough on top of all the demands an adoption can bring, some people will never understand just how hard it can be and just how difficult life can get. Because there are bigger problems in the world. Believe me. Believe every person that has been on this journey or is going through it now.  Tuesday we had yet another court date. It was extended again for yet another reason. There isn’t anything you can do. You can only wait and let it run it’s course. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to endure thus far. The not knowing....

Then There Were Three

It’s been a week since I was given our third precious foster son! He is only two months and has somehow completed our family in a way I never thought possible. I hold him in my arms, in awe and wonder. How did we get here? How could this be? I never imagined we would have three babies, all under three, all under a year. If you were to tell me this was to be a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you you were crazy.  Life is totally different with a baby in the house. Not only do I have two busy toddlers during the day, but I have a baby who needs me during the night as well. It’s been good, but challenging. Mostly, I’ve been feeling more afraid. Afraid what will happen if I lose him or all three. Afraid that I might have fallen hard for these amazing babies and I will never be the same because of it. Afraid because I wish so badly they were mine forever so I could stop being afraid all the time.  Do  Not Fear.  Period.  It’s not a request, it’s a command. So I lay down my inabilities to predict future outcomes. I surrender control I do not have. I walk blindly, but in freedom. My life is in good hands. Capable hands. Loving hands. Hands that hold me together in times of crazy fear. The kind of fear that causes my body to tremble. Hands that have knit my babies together, who knew them by name before they ever existed. His hands...

The Great Unknown

I know it’s been a  long time since I last updated you on our adoption story. For that, I am sorry. To be honest, my hearts been so heavy I never knew where to start and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Our adoption has been moving a long as it should be, just painfully slow. And to top it off, things have gotten more complicated. Tomorrow I am scheduled to meet with a group of people involved in this whole process and I may be coming home with our third, sweet baby. Yes, tomorrow we might no longer be that family of four I’ve been talking about the last 8 months.  Our hearts have been ready for this for some time. Ever since we found out mom was pregnant, we decided we would keep as many of the siblings together as we could. We would take the baby in happily, if it meant they would be together. Still, nothing can ever prepare  you for when you go from 0 to 3 kids in under a year. I am excited and afraid all at the same time. I know we can do this, there’s just so much emotion invested into each and every one of our children. But I am hopeful. More hopeful than I’ve ever been, even as things continue to become more trivial.  Our future is part of the great unknown. I take it day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. And as life continues to give us curve balls, I clench tightly all the more. My eyes look up  to the...

Dry Bones

I’m back! It was a fabulous spring break and I thank you for being kind enough to allow me this time to refuel! I had an amazing eye-opening week. I don’t know what it was particularly, but I re-discovered some awfully important things in my life. There was no pivotal moment that brought me these discoveries, they just happened in various moments that caught me off gaurd. It was magical. It was special. It was a true blessing.  I was reminded of a song I  listen to often. A good reminder during the Easter season:  You can take my dry bones Breathe life into this skin You called me by name Raised me to life again In a way, I’ve been feeling like I’m floating along in life. The wind blows me in all kinds of directions and I’ve started to wonder a lot about a greater purpose. I think this is a natural human inclination. To step back and wonder what it’s all about. Why we are here. What are we here for. Because we know it’s more than just getting up every morning to get dressed. Getting the kids fed and out the door. It’s more than getting in the car and driving to do errands. It’s more than checking emails, blogs and social media. It’s more than talking to loved ones on the phone or coffee dates with friends. It’s more than getting dinner on the table and getting to bed on time. So much more.  In time, in our own ways, we start to search. I know I began and still continue to look for...

More Waiting. And Waiting.

Last week was a bit of a tough one for my family. We had two very important court dates regarding the kids and both were disappointing. Nothing like what we were hoping for. So, there I was again – faced with a new reality. More waiting. And waiting. The adoption process is anything but easy. For some it might have been, but for us it’s been a roller coaster. The thing is, it’s so important to keep in mind what it’s all about. Otherwise you become selfish and things can get ugly. I realize that the process is imperfect and full of flaws. I realize that things won’t make sense. Things will continue to move slowly and we won’t have any control. But what matters most is that they are ours for now. We love them unconditionally while they are a part of our lives. We invest in them as though they are ours. Because to me, they are. My little boy and my little girl.  On the positive side, I am seeing so much growth. Where fears and insecurities once were, they are now replaced with certainty and trust. They have given us their love freely. They have become such amazing little people these last few months. One quiet and curious. The other chatty and adventurous. They keep us on our toes and never cease to amaze us with their growing knowledge of the world around them. This is why it pains me to think about what life would be like if these precious little ones were taken from us. Not to know how it’s going to end....
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