Over my stay in Canada, I had my first baby shower. It was amazing to say the least! So many old friends stopped in to support my husband and I in this amazing journey. As grateful as I am for EVERYTHING, I had some minor bumps this week. We received an email from some wonderful friends that they were expecting their first baby. This was GREAT news!!! But my heart still hurt because of reasons I find harder and harder to explain. I rejoice with them and their fantastic news! I don’t want to sound in any way ungrateful for our given circumstances, because I am not. I am as happy as an expectant mother! It’s just something most people will never understand, unless you’ve been in these shoes.
The morning of my baby shower, my house was busy as everyone cleaned and got stuff ready. I was so excited and oddly enough, nervous. It was as though this shower might jinx the whole process by having all this baby stuff. I was afraid it might be bad luck or something silly like that. I know. Weird that I would think this way. Do you not get to the point where you are so excited for something, you’re afraid it might never happened. That’s how it was for me! I couldn’t shake this feeling as I mingled with all the guests. I knew this shower was for our baby and I, yet my womb was empty. As I opened each card and read the words that poured out of every single one, I realized something. They all had the same message: we can’t wait to meet YOUR sweet child. YOUR little baby. YOUR precious one. Not once did I hear adopted….it was as though I was carrying our child. Maybe not in my belly, but ever so close to my heart. Im sure they could see this by the amount of tears we all shared by the end of the day. The reality of all of this didn’t really hit me as I opened each gift, although the odd time I would feel the chin quiver. Like the moment I opened my mother’s gift and found a hand crocheted baby blanket she made just for us…..I mean, that alone made it sink in more. It REALLY hit me when I packed away all these sweet presents from all our loving friends and family that it sunk in. Here was this suitcase packed FULL of baby toys, clothes, wash cloths, burp blankets, pacifiers and so much more. I suddenly felt this lump in my throat as I secretly whispered, “I can’t wait to meet you baby. Mommy wants to hold you so badly, but we have to wait just a little bit longer”. Even now as I type this, I find tears streaming down my cheeks. Who knew such love could exist between mother and child. I love my baby, so much it hurts. I thank God for giving us this gift. This opportunity to love another in this capacity.
So thank you to my amazing and supportive family and friends for making my first shower so very special. I feel so loved by each and every one of you. I couldn’t imagine going through this process without sharing it with all of you. We love you deeply.