Today is one of those days you don’t feel like talking. Or going through the motions of day to day things. This week has been a tough one. So many little surprises popping up and then right at the end, an explosion. If my life were a movie, it would be a pretty fantastic scene. But it’s not a movie. It’s my life. And I am left tired and a little angry.
I’m angry that I can’t do anything to help my children. I’m angry that I have no voice or power that can snap and make this adoption happen sooner. I’m angry that I have no control if I lose one or all of my babies. It’s scary. It’s terrifying to think of these kids just ending up somewhere where there are no guarantees of a hopeful future.
I’m feeling tired of people. People who seem to only think of themselves. People who only add to the problem and not trying to problem solve. And not like life is hard enough on top of all the demands an adoption can bring, some people will never understand just how hard it can be and just how difficult life can get. Because there are bigger problems in the world. Believe me. Believe every person that has been on this journey or is going through it now.
Tuesday we had yet another court date. It was extended again for yet another reason. There isn’t anything you can do. You can only wait and let it run it’s course. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to endure thus far. The not knowing. The waiting. The endless disappointments. It never makes sense.
I just so badly wanted to stand up during the court session and tell them that our kids are more than a case number. More than a stack of papers on a desk. They have names and beautiful faces. They need to move on with their lives because they have so much potential. It’s not fair to extend again and again. Because they suffer. I know, because we are the ones watching the impact it has on them.
So what do we do now? We wait. We reach DEEP down inside of all that muck and mire. We find new strength and renewed hope. Without it, we are lost. We just become victims of defeat and I don’t give up that easily. I will fight and fight and fight because that is the ONE thing I know I can do. Life isn’t easy. Things will happen again and again that don’t make sense. It’s not fair. It’s not right. And no matter how much you cry, stomp your feet, scream out loud, it won’t change a thing. The problems are still there. So you face it head on. We are made up of so much more than you think. Most of all, we aren’t alone. We have surrounded ourselves with the kinds of people that lift us up, cheer us on and are sensitive to this process. We always have people to lean on and I ALWAYS lean on them. Without my family or friends, things would be so much more difficult. I thank God for those people. The ones who see our pain and extend their hands and prayers. I am forever grateful for each and everyone of you.
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