It’s been a week since I was given our third precious foster son! He is only two months and has somehow completed our family in a way I never thought possible. I hold him in my arms, in awe and wonder. How did we get here? How could this be? I never imagined we would have three babies, all under three, all under a year. If you were to tell me this was to be a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you you were crazy.
Life is totally different with a baby in the house. Not only do I have two busy toddlers during the day, but I have a baby who needs me during the night as well. It’s been good, but challenging. Mostly, I’ve been feeling more afraid. Afraid what will happen if I lose him or all three. Afraid that I might have fallen hard for these amazing babies and I will never be the same because of it. Afraid because I wish so badly they were mine forever so I could stop being afraid all the time.
It’s not a request, it’s a command. So I lay down my inabilities to predict future outcomes. I surrender control I do not have. I walk blindly, but in freedom. My life is in good hands. Capable hands. Loving hands. Hands that hold me together in times of crazy fear. The kind of fear that causes my body to tremble. Hands that have knit my babies together, who knew them by name before they ever existed. His hands are safe. In them I hold firmly.
I do know with certainty I was meant to be a mother to these babies. They have brought me happiness I cannot describe. I cry often, because I never knew I could be this blessed. These perfect creatures in my care. MY care?! Wow. I could never have imagined this in a life time. I obviously lack imagination.
This is where I’m at. A life with three beautiful babies. A heart that hopes. Arms that love and hold and cradle and tenderly touch. I am so lucky to be their mommy.
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